i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
