Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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