we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Everyone says I win the strip club
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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