i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
