Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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