Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
