The brown eye won't let me do that either.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
