My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
