My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
