I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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