She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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