you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
