Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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