Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
not ubering you a puppy
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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