Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
