3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
