I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
