I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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