Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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