I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
