the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
