1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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