The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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