At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
