I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I need a beard to bite.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
