Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Alive.
So much puke
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Randomize
