I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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