I haven't been this sober since birth.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
