I'm going to jail i love you
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
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I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
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as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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