I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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