Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
