When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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