you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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