There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
