she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i wish my penis had a tongue
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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