My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
