So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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