Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
