I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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