i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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