if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
