the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
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I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
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Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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