Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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