matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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