I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
