Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
