i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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