wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
