he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
