??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
that is very illegal...i love you.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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