How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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