I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
