I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
