Whats the glycemic index on semen?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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