Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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