I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
