Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Randomize
