There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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