You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
