Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
