btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
